What the hell is wrong with me?
I m in a band, ladies can t you see
Please don t judge me by the car that I drive
Or the fact that I haven t had a date since 95

Come on, don t go away
Don t listen to your friends when they that I am gay
I try so hard but I just can t get no play
Don t have any STDs
Come on, I m begging on my knees
Come on get close just ignore the fleas

We will take anything that walks . . .
Because we re desperate

I know I m not a handsome man
Cuz I look like an ogre with a farmer s tan
And every time the ladies see me and I m walking their way
They say, Brian smells, everybody stay away

Oh ladies, can t you see
I can t help it because I m ugly
But I m in a band, don t that count for something
Come on now, don t delay
Cuz if you don t call then I ll probably rent-a-date
And my tab keeps rising, cuz I do it every day
Oh ladies, can t you see
I m in a band, why aren t you attracted to me?
I don t care if you re underage
Just as long as you ll be seen with me in a public place
What s it gonna take? (What s it gonna take?)
For you help me bake cookies?
Doo-Wah-Doo
Cuz I need to know
I m all hot and ready
And I got to go . . .
Because we re Desperate

Why oh why must I have this rash
No girls talk to me they just step back
Should I lift weights? Would that make me more sexual?
Maybe wear glasses would that make me intellectual?
Come on lets do it fast
Cuz I m all hot and ready and it just wont last
And I got 20 dollars what can I get for that?